Making Kids Safe

You think your kid is safe? Oh, boy have I got news for you! They're not! They're not safe from terrorism, they're not safe from perverts in windowless white vans, but most of all, they're not safe from the enviro-fascist, homo-liberal, baby-killing, porn-producing left-wing agenda! Or so says Linda Harvey from Mission: America.

I present to you, Linda's "Top 10 Ways to Make Kids Truly Safe in 2010!" I have a lot to say on the matter, so I'll split it into two. Today we'll go through 10-5. Next week, I'll give you 5-1.

10. Let’s teach our children to refrain from honoring oppressive, liberty-denying practices and beliefs.

Like the fundie agenda? Yeah, you wish that's where she was going.

Children should be civil to all, but refuse to be manipulated into “respecting” Islam, praying to Allah, etc., no matter how many points it counts on the social studies/diversity unit test

So let me get this straight: Linda is afraid of liberals "taking away the freedom" of our children to act like dicks to Muslims? So, can we be nice to Buddhists, Jainists, Sikhs, Hindus, Zoroastrians, and Shintoists, or do we have to be civilly disrespectful to them too?

I don't know anyone who thinks that respecting Islam entails teaching kids to pray to Allah (the Arabic word for "God," used by adherents of any monotheistic religion who speak Arabic!). Usually, respecting Islam involves things like leaving Muslims alone to pray in peace, not trying to "witness" to them, and not telling them that the way they dress is wrong and needs to be changed.

They should urge every girl they know wearing a hijab to remove it and no longer submit to a system of subtle bondage.

Like, well, that.

They should share the Gospel of Jesus Christ deliberately with every Muslim they know— and make sure these lost kids know that Christians believe in a loving God who gives us free will.

Muslim women HAVE free will, numbnuts. The fact that they choose to exercise it in a different manner than you do A) does not automatically make them wrong and B) is none of your fucking business.

Would you like it if Muslim women came around telling you that your religion was wrong?

9. Our homes should be safe havens. That means no carbon monitors...

What? No "carbon monitors?" What are "carbon monitors?" You mean carbon monoxide detectors? That's asinine, Linda, even for a fundie. Why would you not want to know if there are dangerous levels of poisonous gas in your house?

...parenting or end-of-life counselors under ObamaCare...

Linda Harvey prefers that dying people not have the completely optional choice to discuss end-of-life issues with a qualified professional.

...home school checks...

Yep! I should be allowed to teach my kid anything I want, or nothing at all, for their entire lives! Cuz God knows, every decision a parent makes is the right one!

...or community organizers.

Oh shut up, you moron. You obviously don't even know what a community organizer is. (Nor do you seem to know what "freedom" is, considering you want to eliminate other people's livelihoods based on the fact that, in your uninformed opinion, you don't like them.)

We should be able to hear truly free speech and porn-free programming on radio and TV stations...

How can something be "truly free" and at the same time, restricted? Based on its content?

And really, is porn on TV and radio (???) a real problem, or is it made up by fundies so they can have something to be angry about?

...and neither we nor our children should ever be tempted to have our mortgages paid for us through government hand-outs.

So, Linda, when you're out of work because the economy goes south (or no one is interested in supporting your lunatic rantings), you can just curl up and starve to death. I'm sure you'll be pleased to do it, too.

8. Our kids should not have to face the limited options and reduced quality of life in a once-great country burdened with crushing debt. They should not have to face fifty percent or higher taxes, few employment options, and life in a corrupt and increasingly vulnerable nation.

Oh, okay, Linda. Why don't you outline YOUR economic stimulus plan, since you seem to know how to run things so well. Remember, the last two required the bipartisan efforts of hundreds of lawmakers and thousands of research assistants, sworn testimony by experts in economics, finance professionals, and budget officers from every department, all of whom worked early in the morning until late into the night, and they came together only after months of dedicated cooperation between both houses and the Executive branch.

But I'm sure whatever you came up sitting on your ass in front of the computer with will be much better.

Let’s hold elected officials responsible for reckless spending, pay-offs and pork, by removing them from power at the earliest opportunity.

I love this argument. It's possibly the most ignorant, shortsighted, wrongheaded, and just plain stupid political statement you can make. It's become a rallying cry for the Right, because it's code for "vote out the liberals." Why we need code, I have no idea, but the Left never argues for voting every member out. Probably because it's an asinine strategy.

For one thing, it will never happen. For another, you'd just end up with 535 freshman representatives who have no idea what they're doing and no guarantee they'll be any less corrupt or any more interested in what the fundies want than the last people. How is that better?

7. Children should not be endangered personally by sexually transmitted diseases allowed to rage unchecked through our under-30 population because of political correctness. They should no longer be told the outright lies that life-threatening and/or debilitating infections can be managed through either latex or life-long, expensive drug therapy.

 "Outright lies?" So, then HAART treatments don't reduce the effects of HIV? Condoms don't protect against STI transmission? If Linda can state with such vehemence that these medical axioms are "lies" then it should be easy to provide legitimate, unbiased citations to back her up.

Right, Linda? We're all waiting.

Let’s not leave them with rampant infertility due to “everyone’s” reproductive damage. We need to establish a public health system that deals with reality.

What would you know about reality? You don't seem to spend much time there.

6. Intrusive, low- quality and high- cost health care delivery should not be the legacy we leave our children. We should recognize that America has the greatest health care system in the world, that it truly needs little reform, except to recapture personal responsibility for both cost and options.

America has the greatest health care system in the world! And I know this because I live here! Oh, sure, I haven't studied the subject in depth, but I know that America is God's chosen land, and if it's in America, it's great! Facts? Data? Expert analysis? Who needs that crap? I have jingoism and that's good enough for me!

Of course, the World Health Organization (which DOES have experts, facts, and analysis) gave France the nod in 2000.

Let’s refuse to put Washington, DC in charge of your son’s and daughter’s physical well-being.

Yeah, last I heard, there was no provision in the health care bill for sending sick or injured people to politicians. I'm pretty sure doctors would still be handling medical care, as the bill only covers who will be paying for what.

But what do I know, I'm just a dumb liberal.

5. Let’s give our children some true leadership choices. Let’s leave them examples like Sarah Palin, Jim DeMint, Mike Pence. Let’s stop propping up a failed and compromised GOP, and let’s make sure the Democratic/Socialist party fades into oblivion.

Yeah, we'd be way better with Sarah Palin, you betcha! I like Jim DeMint, too, for whenever I need a crucial appointment stalled so that bad things happen that we can blame on Obama.

I don't know much about Mike Pence, but since Linda Harvey likes him, he's probably an idiot.

That's it for right now. But stay tuned next week, when we get really mired in the stupid. It only goes downhill from here. I know I can't wait!